A List of Reasons Why I Enjoy Playing Basketball Against Children
(Preferably between the ages of 6-12)
by Adam Simon
• Height. It may seem obvious, that’s why it’s first. There’s no better feeling than blocking someone else’s shot. Even better than blocking it, is rejecting the shot. Swatting it away as if it didn’t even deserve to touch the rim. Kids need to learn that this is what will happen to them periodically throughout their lives, and I enjoy teaching them this lesson first hand.
• Head Fakes. Children of this age have never really played against a tactic as sneaky as a head fake. Allow me to reassure you that they buy it every time, hook line and sinker. You give them a good head fake and they more or less hand you the points.
• Speed. Being a person of my height, I know full well that one of my steps equals two of theirs in length. Therefore when driving the lane, it is more or less a free pass to the basket due to the fact that my strides are so much larger than theirs. It’s a simple lesson for them to learn as well. This is a lesson of mathematics, if a person’s legs are twice as long as yours, they will get to the hoop twice as fast.
• Trash Talking. Unlike older players who respond to trash talking with more trash talking, many little kids will simply cry in response to a justified comment at how bad their game is. And every basketball coach on the planet would probably agree that once your opponent is crying, the only thing standing between you and victory is time.
• Proportions. This is a corollary of the height advantage. Look at it this way, the distance from my head to the hoop is a little less than four feet. The height of a seven year olds entire body is four feet. Clearly you exert a lot less energy than they do.
• Rules. This is an especially good one if the kid isn’t very familiar with the rules of basketball. Since I am older than these children who are they to question the true definition of a “double dribble.” Hell, if you’re feeling particularly creative you can have some fun by making up rules and announcing them as the children violate them.
• Assurance of Victory. Even on an off day, even on a day in which nothing is going right: I can still take on a team of children and kick their young naïve asses in basketball.
• Birkenstocks. I can wear them and still be effective. If playing against people of a similar age (height, or skill level) it would be necessary to wear proper atheletic shoes. Not against kids though, hell you could probably wear flip flops and get away with it.
• Mutiny. Nothing is easier than turning kids against other players on their team. Most children don’t like other children to begin with. If you simply hint that you think one of the players on the other team is involved in point shaving, throwing the game, or simply is terrible; his teammates are more than happy to agree with you. Once the fighting on the other team begins, there will be no passing. This means I only have to guard one kid, and he usually drives to the lane, where I swat his subsequent shot attempt out of bounds.

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